Every man thinks he can beat up a bear, or has at least theory-crafted how to do it.
I recently made a post about how I would fare in various post-apocalyptic worlds. Well, I liked that idea so much, I decided to do it with me fighting against horror movie villains, and is there a way to celebrate Halloween better than with senseless violence and stupid scenarios?
ground rules
The villains cannot be armed. I know the idea of a horror villain is that they sneak up on you. I am drawing the line with weapons since it would make it less of a true test. They also can’t sneak up on me. I’m trying to assess how I would fare in a horror movie. I would die to everybody if we allowed stealth and weapons, which is why they do not count.
Supernatural powers are okay.
A bit about me
190 cm ≈ 6’3”
100 kg ≈ 220 lbs
I weight train and used to box years ago, my condition is not as good as it once was, but I don’t think these fights are going to go the distance. Let’s start the madness and see how I stack up against pure Evil.
The match ups
Kayako Saeki (Ju-On / The Grudge)
The second I would hear the death rattle, I would shit myself in fright. This would create a negative starting point that would spiral my chances, leaving me helpless and smelling really bad. Also, she is not a person I can hit, but a manifestation of a curse. She would drag me into the void, and I would die. Before she does so, I would try and sing. I want it that way for her. It’s a long shot, but it just might work.
Winning chance 0%
Sadako Yamamura (Ringu)
I don’t own a VHS, so she might never get to me. Also, I always thought I would just turn the TV against a wall and see how she handles that.
I used to think I could take her on, until I saw the movie and learned she can MANIFEST PEOPLE’S DEATH! So she can just think of me dying, and I would. I think that skews the odds a bit. Also, like Kayako, I don’t actually think I could hit her even if I got close.
The curse of the tape is basically what determines it; once you watch the tape, your fate is sealed. Tough luck.
Winning chance 0%
Death (Final Destination)
Don’t be silly
Winning chance 0%
Asami Yamazaki (Audition)
I don’t want to beat up a small Asian woman, but after their previous losses I have to go all out in this one. I think I take this easily since she is a small Asian women and I am a big guy with viking ancestors. She could whisper something sweet in my ear, but I’m not falling for cheap tricks here.
Winning chance 100%
Pazuzu (The Exorcist)
This is a lose-lose. Either I die and get killed by a demon child, or I beat up the host in which case the demon is still not defeated, and I just beat a child. The truth is multiple grown men struggle to hold her down, plus she can projectile vomit all over me. That would surely throw me off my game. She gets her in a headlock, and she can just twist her head.
Winning chance 10%
The Creeper (Jeepers Creepers)
This guy rips through the roof of a car and lifts a man by the top of his head and then decapitates him. He also does a freaking backflip and parkour over a var, meaning he agile as fuck. He also survives getting run over by a car multiple times. Granted, the creature is actually the parasite on the back of his head, he can take damage so it’s not impossible.
Winning Chance: 17%
Pinhead (Hellraiser)
The Cenobites are into pain and suffering, so he might just like the fact that I punched him. Jesus wept. I don’t think I stand a chance here.
Winning chance 0%
Candyman (Candyman)
The jury is out on whether I can actually punch him since he is a ghost. He doesn’t have his claw, but still I might die from a bee attack. Yet would he even hit me? Is he a fighter like that?
Winning chance: No idea
The Xenomorph (Alien)
How is someone with a fear of heights even getting into SPACE?
Winning chance 0%
The Predator
If it bleeds, we can kill it well, shit, I bleed too, and he’s literally invincible at the start.
Winning chance: 1%
Jigsaw / John Kramer (Saw)
Finally, another W, part of me feels bad for beating up an old, terminally ill person, but that man is a mass murderer who traps people in death traps. He stands no chance. My strategy is to run full speed into him knocking him down and starting to wail at him.
PS I’m beating up the doll too
Winning chance 100%
Ghostface (Scream)
Without a knife, those guys are just people in clunky costumes with a mask that make it hard to see. I’m going to win this for sure. These guys fall over furniture all the time.
winning chance: 88%
Chucky (Child’s Play)
Dude, it’s a doll, I’ll grab his leg and slam him against a wall until he is destroyed. What are we doing? Surely he can’t do anything without his knife and the element of surprise.
He might bite me or try and run into spaces I could not get to in order to jump me.
Though the second he jumps, I’ll just grab him out of the air since he is a DOLL MADE OF PLASTIC. still a chance for an upset.
Winning chance: 100%
Leatherface (The Texas Chain Saw Massacre)
Listen without the element of surprise, and his chainsaw, Leatherface is a violent brute with no skills. I will estimate him to have a similar build to mine. I think Leahterface can get tired, my plan is to dance around him, hitting him with jabs, keeping my distance. In the film, he seems….Mentally challenged, so that might be a strength or a weakness. There is a chance he might rush me, should he take the fight to the ground, I’m toast. I think I can outlast him.
Winning chance: 50%
Pennywise the Dancing Clown (IT)
My biggest fear is dying alone. How are you going to manifest that, Pennywise?
If kids can beat him up, then so can I, for sure.
I’m also not afraid of clowns. There is still the chance he scares me with something deep in my soul. He might use that big mouth of his to eat me, but his targets are primarily kids, which tells me he ain’t shit.
Winning chances: 80%
Art the Crown (Terrifier)
I’m going to channel my hatred for the Terrifier movie to kick the shit out of Art.
In the film Art clearly has trouble fighting a woman and has to shoot her with a gun. Without that gun, he would be getting a beating. He also seems like a thin, lanky guy with little muscle and strength.
Winning chances: 90%
Norman Bates (Psycho)
A twink mammas boy in a wig got nothing on me boy. In the film, he gets overpowered by the private detective super easily, and I am bigger and stronger. Bates seems to lack a lot of strength. He might win if I trip and bang my head on the way to him.
winning chance: 99%
Hannibal Lecter (The Silence of the Lambs)
If I let him talk, he might get the upper hand, convincing me to swallow my tongue, or he might stall me enough to get the jump on me and bite my face off. He does seem to come out of physical situations relatively easily. That being said, he is still an old man with no combat training nor strength. If I scream and rush, then I could easily win.
For the victory meal, I’ll eat some liver with Fava Beans and a Nice Chianti
Winning chances: 88%
Freddy Krueger (A Nightmare on Elm Street)
He is technically dead, so I can’t beat him. The only place I can fight him is in dreams, and he definitely has the upper hand there. Freddy reincarnates every single sequel, so my victory should it happen, would be short.
Winning chances: 1%
Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th)
Jason is king of the slashers, an undead, super-powerful being who can catch me even when he just walks. Jason can crush a man’s head with his bare hands. Did I mention he is already dead?
Winning chances: 0%
Michael Myers (Halloween)
Almost the same as Jason, but Michael is a human and thus my chances are inherently not zero since I could get a lucky hit. Michael is strong, stronger than me that’s for sure and he is bulletproof.
Winning chances: 4%
Count Dracula (Dracula)
There is only one Dracula, and that is Bela Lugosi, so that is who I’m fighting
First of all, he can only fight at night, so I could stall him out. There’s very little onscreen evidence that he’s physically strong at all. In fact, most of his menace comes from presence, hypnosis, and atmosphere, and I can take on a guy whose vibes are off.
He has this hypnotizing ability, but I doubt it will work on me for whatever reason. In the book, he is described as having the strength of twenty men, so I will take my L, but I think I could take him.
Winning chances: 10%
The Wolfman
In the movie Wolfman struggles to overpower a normal man and is later killed by him, with a weapon true, but still I honestly think i can take him.
Winning chances: 55%
Frankensteins monster (Frankenstein)
He is big and really strong. My best chance is to befriend him, and when he likes me enough to put his guard down, I’ll set him on fire. It’s a long shot for sure
Winning chances: 5%
Gill Man (the creature from the black lagoon)
In the movie, he collapses after being on land away from water for too long. I could run down the clock and wait for him to collapse. He doesn’t seem so fast either. Surely I can beat a fish man out of his element.
Winning chances: 70
The Invisible Man (The Invisible Man)
In the film, he lifts people and is clearly a strong man; however, he would have to fight me naked for me to not see him. This would create a mental advantage for me since I don’t believe anybody fights well naked against another man. The film takes place in winter with a lot of snow. This means I can stall, and he will freeze to death, or I can see his footprints in the snow. I honestly think I can take him mostly because he is played by Claude Rains, and he is a tiny man compared to me.
Winning chances: 50%