The quest of exploring original Netflix movies is still on, and today I have a masterpiece, a hidden gem, a masterclass in comedy, except that’s all a lie this movie is terrible.
“True Memoirs of an International Assassin” is, first of all, a bit too long of a title. It’s annoying to type and say. I know, the nitpicking starts early, but there is so little to like about this film, I might as well start small and end big.
The movie stars Kevin James (the one and only) as a writer trying to finish his book. He writes about some generic action hero type. Having trouble finishing the book he steals a real-life story about an ex-military type named “the ghost”. His editor publishes the book as non-fiction and lo and beholds now everyone thinks he is the ghost. He is then drafted by a revolution in Venezuela to kill the president.
If you think this idea sounds fun let me assure you, it is not. If you think it sounds stupid then you sir are one hundred percent right.
First of all the idea that EVERYONE would think that Kevin freaking James would be a legendary soldier is laughably stupid. He is so not “The Ghost” that the film in concept doesn’t make sense. At no point is no one saying “isn’t he a little heavy to be the ghost?” which would be the right thing to ask.
There are way too many things going on and there are too many factions interacting. There is the President, his general and his men, A Russian gangster, the revolutionaries, the CIA, and his companion who just shows up out of nowhere to save him. This makes the movie a total mess.
The Russian guy falls victim to one of my least favorite tropes ever! The killing your own men troupe. It was cool when Vador did it that one time, but other than that it really pisses me off every time I see it. No one is willing to work for you if you are notorious for killing your own guys.
The CIA seems totally incompetent, indifferent, stupid, and corrupt. Maybe it would be funnier if I was an American and had some knowledge of them, but I am not, so I don’t think it’s that funny.
The plot is also terrible, as I said before his companion just shows up and saves him when it is convenient. She is also WAY too hot for this role. I am not saying policewomen can’t be attractive, but here they just gave a supermodel the role and it is super distracting.
At one point they infiltrate the president’s party in order to assassinate him. One of the revolutionaries named one is there undercover as a waiter. He brings the president some food. Now, the question is, WHY DID HE NOT POISON THE FOOD? It’s so obvious that it hurts. Also, how easy is it to infiltrate the party? And how did he do it? WHO CARES! Things just happen for convenience otherwise there would not be a film.
The true identity of the ghost is also exceptionally stupid and obvious.
I am going to take a break to talk about what I did like about the movie before going back to bashing it.
The main character writes a scene, the scene will then play out with him as the main guy. When he can’t figure out what will happen next, the characters in the scene are idle too. This is actually a pretty funny idea. It is also funny to see the scenario in his head fail. The opening action scene is also kind of hype.
HOWEVER! The whole idea behind the film is that he has to live his own life instead of making stuff up. The problem is that the whole premise of the film is so fictitious that the “real” story and the fake one get mixed up. After he is conducted it all spirals into this mess where nothing is believable at all. He also just learns how to fight at the end by just, you know, watching the action around him, I guess.
I do like Kevin James, I think he has a lot of natural charm and comedic timing. He just chooses bad projects, or maybe he just accepts what is given to him, I don’t know. Just know that every time I see him in something I root for him.
I decided to watch this film for my quest in determining the quality of original Netflix movies. As I was watching it, it suddenly hit me. I have seen this thing before, and wouldn’t you know it, I had in fact seen it before. It left no impression on me at all. The movie is not just bad, it is also forgettable and that is the worst a movie can be.
Final thoughts: it’s bad, don’t watch it.